Today for the first time in six months I feel strong enough to go for a walk in the woods. The recurring health problem I struggle with has left me with a gray succession of days, spent in exhausting pain.
Today though, there is a respite. So. The wooded trail. It is as I left it, muddy and silent, and golden with fall. The leaves on one Alder tree are so bright that for a moment I think the sun has broken through the tall trees on this rainy day.
As I climb the hill past the glowing trees, all the loss of the last year falls away; illness, the loss of my Mom, my job. Here, the concerns of the future cannot press do not press in me as much either; money, insurance, my health and What To Do Now, all fall away with every step I go deeper into the woods. Now there is only the trail, and the trees.
A silent mist marches through the steep forest, softening the edges of my vision. Ahead, something brown crosses the path, visible for a fleeting moment, and is gone. A deer, probably, though there are also cougar and bear here.
At the pass, I pause to take a picture of a tiny white and gray mushroom pushing up from under some blackberry leaves. In a depression in the cap is a tiny puddle of rain water. Two dark pine needles float there, in the shadow of the dark green blackberry leaves.
On the way down the hill, the cares of my life re-assemble themselves. But they come back in a little lighter than they were before the walk.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Agrarian
I'm with Hannah at Agrarian Ales today. Hannah grew up with my boys, so I've known her since she was little. Now she is a grown woman in her twenties. She has all the pieces of a grown-up life; life partner, job, and a thriving artistic practice. She's known grief and hardship, and she is so, so strong.
The grown-up Hannah retains the Sense of Wonder that little Hannah had, too. She still revels in the simple beauty of a new flower, still feels and gives pure joy on seeing a friend. Fifteen years after I met her as a little girl, the young woman still brings me back to these realities of life when I forget them.
It's a cold rainy day today, so we're sitting under an awning at this little brewery. It's out in the country, on the farm where the hops are grown for the beer that's made here. We're sitting at a picnic table, on wooden bench seats. Behind us, a tall kerosene heater hisses with a tall blue flame in a glass tube. It chases away the cold some, but we still feel the outdoor breeze, still hear the rain pattering down.
The beer is hand-crafted, and it's so fresh, you can smell a constellation of floral notes from the hops, feel the crisp, bitter bite as you take sip after sip.
Hannah, sitting beside me, is reflected in the tall glass tube of the heater. Her image glows there, behind us, as we huddle over our glasses of beer and plates of home-made pickles.
A musician from Portland plays guitar and sings at the other end of the covered space. I am in Flow, my senses full from beer, food, music and the pleasures of a cool , rainy breeze.
Hannah's image flickers in the heater's flame, and the real Hannah takes a sip of her beer and smiles at the singer.
The grown-up Hannah retains the Sense of Wonder that little Hannah had, too. She still revels in the simple beauty of a new flower, still feels and gives pure joy on seeing a friend. Fifteen years after I met her as a little girl, the young woman still brings me back to these realities of life when I forget them.
It's a cold rainy day today, so we're sitting under an awning at this little brewery. It's out in the country, on the farm where the hops are grown for the beer that's made here. We're sitting at a picnic table, on wooden bench seats. Behind us, a tall kerosene heater hisses with a tall blue flame in a glass tube. It chases away the cold some, but we still feel the outdoor breeze, still hear the rain pattering down.
The beer is hand-crafted, and it's so fresh, you can smell a constellation of floral notes from the hops, feel the crisp, bitter bite as you take sip after sip.
Hannah, sitting beside me, is reflected in the tall glass tube of the heater. Her image glows there, behind us, as we huddle over our glasses of beer and plates of home-made pickles.
A musician from Portland plays guitar and sings at the other end of the covered space. I am in Flow, my senses full from beer, food, music and the pleasures of a cool , rainy breeze.
Hannah's image flickers in the heater's flame, and the real Hannah takes a sip of her beer and smiles at the singer.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Gentle Flow
That's the name of my new favorite yoga class. Last week I went to a vinyasa flow class, and it was so hard I was sore for two days afterwards.
So for now, it's back to Gentle Flow for me, a slower-paced, less intense vinyasa class. "Honor your own journey, and enjoy it,". The teachers tell me. Finally, at my now advanced age, I have internalized this wisdom.
Danni leas us through a five minute mediation and then we start with seats twists and side stretches. Soon we are in Down Dog, and Forward Fold, then Plank, moving fluidly through the sequence that has become a refuge to me. Last week, Danni asked me if yoga practice was "comfortable for you." And today I discover that it is. I find myself simply enjoying the feel of my body flowing from one pose to the next.
I also find that I am discovering as I move. When the moves are easier, I can linger in each pose, and take the time to discover what it has to say to me. I feel my body move as a breathe in and out, I can feel bone and ligament and organ respond to the moves. And I can see my mind slowing down and healing.
Too soon, Danni directs us to Shavansana. I have an exquisite moment of purity, laying there on my mat, looking up at the skylight in the roof of the studio. There are broken clouds in the sky and the light changes as I watch my breath come and go. Then we bring hands to heart and say Namaste.
As of today, and I think because of how this session went, I feel like I have a yoga practice; a constant presence in my life that is a refuge, a challenge, and a spiritual journey.
So for now, it's back to Gentle Flow for me, a slower-paced, less intense vinyasa class. "Honor your own journey, and enjoy it,". The teachers tell me. Finally, at my now advanced age, I have internalized this wisdom.
Danni leas us through a five minute mediation and then we start with seats twists and side stretches. Soon we are in Down Dog, and Forward Fold, then Plank, moving fluidly through the sequence that has become a refuge to me. Last week, Danni asked me if yoga practice was "comfortable for you." And today I discover that it is. I find myself simply enjoying the feel of my body flowing from one pose to the next.
I also find that I am discovering as I move. When the moves are easier, I can linger in each pose, and take the time to discover what it has to say to me. I feel my body move as a breathe in and out, I can feel bone and ligament and organ respond to the moves. And I can see my mind slowing down and healing.
Too soon, Danni directs us to Shavansana. I have an exquisite moment of purity, laying there on my mat, looking up at the skylight in the roof of the studio. There are broken clouds in the sky and the light changes as I watch my breath come and go. Then we bring hands to heart and say Namaste.
As of today, and I think because of how this session went, I feel like I have a yoga practice; a constant presence in my life that is a refuge, a challenge, and a spiritual journey.
Tomato
Work is done for the day and I'm at home, making dinner. At 7:30 in the evening, the light is just beginning to fade, and fat, yellow sun is shining it's day's end glow into the window above my futon. I stand at the kitchen counter with my back to it, slicing an heirloom tomato that is the same color as a ruby. The fresh, rich aroma from the juice reaches me as I take the first slice.
I lift the slice to my mouth, take a bite. And I am instantly transported to a different time; a time when I was a boy, and I was helping my mother make dinner on a summer evening. And then I go to another time; a summer evening when I was with Kate, and we were standing in the garden, eating tomatoes right from the vine. Like a time machine with a broken control knob, the slice of tomato has me reeling through the decades, like a game of hopscotch.
For a moment, I am confused. For a moment, I think this time is like those other times. But this time, when my tomato slice time machine brings me back to it, is like no other I've ever lived in. This moment in the summer of 2016, I am an aging man living in a studio apartment in a suburb of Eugene, Oregon. I am a social worker, a retired rock climber, a practitioner of yoga, a student of the arts.
Deep yellow sunshine glows around me and a hummingbird flys by the window.
Every shadow, every light beam, every taste and smell in this moment is perfectly unique.
I lift the slice to my mouth, take a bite. And I am instantly transported to a different time; a time when I was a boy, and I was helping my mother make dinner on a summer evening. And then I go to another time; a summer evening when I was with Kate, and we were standing in the garden, eating tomatoes right from the vine. Like a time machine with a broken control knob, the slice of tomato has me reeling through the decades, like a game of hopscotch.
For a moment, I am confused. For a moment, I think this time is like those other times. But this time, when my tomato slice time machine brings me back to it, is like no other I've ever lived in. This moment in the summer of 2016, I am an aging man living in a studio apartment in a suburb of Eugene, Oregon. I am a social worker, a retired rock climber, a practitioner of yoga, a student of the arts.
Deep yellow sunshine glows around me and a hummingbird flys by the window.
Every shadow, every light beam, every taste and smell in this moment is perfectly unique.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Morning Commute
Today is a Salem day, so I'm up and out the door by 7:30am. I'm still crawling down the little lane that leads away from my home when the horrible, sinking feeling strikes me. "You've left the door open" it says. At once, I recognize this feeling as irrational. I have a checklist in my head for leaving the house and it includes ensuring that the door is closed and locked. The feeling will not let me go. I have a cold, flowing feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the urge to turn around and go check the door is palpable.
This is the anxiety monster, come to sit beside me in the car on my morning commute. I've learned to greet this feeling and sit with it, to remind myself that it will pass, that it is not rational. It is accumulated stress from my work week, trying to find a place to be real, instead of just being a bad feeling that exists in my head and heart. I ride with it as I drive. By the time I reach I-5 and turn north, the anxiety has gone down a little, and I no longer have the powerful feeling that this is real. The anxiety fades and I'm left with just a sad, tired feeling, an emotional hangover from a hard, hard week.
A shiny new Toyota Camry passes me and the Toyota logo on the trunk catches my eye. The day is brilliant with sunshine and the silvery logo flashes in the light. My yoga teacher advises me, when I'm feeling unsteady, to steady my gaze. The gaze will steady your mind, he says. I focus on the Toyota logo as it recedes from me, staring intently at it, then relaxing my body into the sight of it. The anxiety is way down now, and the sad little feeling is moderating. I can start to notice other effects of the sweet morning sunshine. As cars go past me in the fast lane, I can see each one reproduced by the sun, a stretched and distorted image of the car, in black, traveling north with the car itself. The shadows are as stark and clean as the sunlight itself.
Shadows also move across the broad valley floor, borne by the same breeze that moves the huge, fluffy clouds that populate the June sky here in the central valley. I am suddenly in this moment, and the anxiety no longer stands in my way. I feel relaxed and safe. So, of course, the feelings surface. There has been some hard stuff this week, and now, finally, it has a safe space to come out. It's a painful process, but also cleansing and liberating. They are after all, just feelings, white noise left over from the difficult experiences of a busy week of practicing my craft. They flow and they are gone. And I'm left with a pure process of living this moment; sunlight catches on the deep green fender of a tractor as it plows a broad, brown field. A log truck to my right lumbers along, bark chips flying from the cargo.
And from the radio, Debussy. By the time I reach the Salem office, I am transformed, joyous in this new day, excited for the opportunity to practice my craft yet again. And all I did was pay close attention to the process, from anxiety to emotional release, to present beauty.
This is the anxiety monster, come to sit beside me in the car on my morning commute. I've learned to greet this feeling and sit with it, to remind myself that it will pass, that it is not rational. It is accumulated stress from my work week, trying to find a place to be real, instead of just being a bad feeling that exists in my head and heart. I ride with it as I drive. By the time I reach I-5 and turn north, the anxiety has gone down a little, and I no longer have the powerful feeling that this is real. The anxiety fades and I'm left with just a sad, tired feeling, an emotional hangover from a hard, hard week.
A shiny new Toyota Camry passes me and the Toyota logo on the trunk catches my eye. The day is brilliant with sunshine and the silvery logo flashes in the light. My yoga teacher advises me, when I'm feeling unsteady, to steady my gaze. The gaze will steady your mind, he says. I focus on the Toyota logo as it recedes from me, staring intently at it, then relaxing my body into the sight of it. The anxiety is way down now, and the sad little feeling is moderating. I can start to notice other effects of the sweet morning sunshine. As cars go past me in the fast lane, I can see each one reproduced by the sun, a stretched and distorted image of the car, in black, traveling north with the car itself. The shadows are as stark and clean as the sunlight itself.
Shadows also move across the broad valley floor, borne by the same breeze that moves the huge, fluffy clouds that populate the June sky here in the central valley. I am suddenly in this moment, and the anxiety no longer stands in my way. I feel relaxed and safe. So, of course, the feelings surface. There has been some hard stuff this week, and now, finally, it has a safe space to come out. It's a painful process, but also cleansing and liberating. They are after all, just feelings, white noise left over from the difficult experiences of a busy week of practicing my craft. They flow and they are gone. And I'm left with a pure process of living this moment; sunlight catches on the deep green fender of a tractor as it plows a broad, brown field. A log truck to my right lumbers along, bark chips flying from the cargo.
And from the radio, Debussy. By the time I reach the Salem office, I am transformed, joyous in this new day, excited for the opportunity to practice my craft yet again. And all I did was pay close attention to the process, from anxiety to emotional release, to present beauty.
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