Today, at long last, the doctor had some encouraging news for me. It's been a long haul, one difficult thing after another for the last six months, and living in pain and fear the whole time. Finally, the doctor offers hope.
And I can feel the quality of my attention shift. It's a subtle progression. First, of course, there are tears of relief, sitting in the car in front of the doctor's office. They pass, and I start to drive into town to do some shopping. I'm surprised to find I don't feel ecstatic. My sense perceptions are hyper-clear, suddenly. I've experienced that before, after times of high stress. My theory about it is that when we are in stress, we tend to tune out information that isn't relevant to the on-going threat or problem. Then when it's over, sense perception floods back into our awareness and it seems powerful because it is fresh
I've experienced the same sensation after a long sit, or other mindfulness practice session.
My emotions seem to be dominated by something I can only inadequately describe as peace and acceptance. Curiously, it is the same feeling I've had during some of the worst moments, without, of course, the fear and pain.
It's a feeling I want to keep on having. It reminds me of the Buddha's advice to "suffuse yourself in this feeling, this state" once you have found it. Tonight, I'll spend a quiet evening at home, and tomorrow maybe go for a short walk in the woods. Maybe when I'm walking tomorrow, the state will settle on me once again.
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